The Truth About Harry Potter
by TheParodyPandas
Summary: So you think you know Harry Potter? Well you dont. We have done much research to bring you this story, including exclusive interviews with Voldemort, Harry, Lily, Hermione, and many others. So prepare for the unexpected! In our first fanfic!


**Hello! And this is the first chapter of our first fanfiction! It contains gay Voldemorts and quirrells! So be prepared! (no insults meant towards gay people, i know this is a dramatization...)**

**So enjoy our randomness! Until next time :D ~the parody pandas**

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"Voldy get up here this instant, I need you to squeeze this pimple on my back!" Shouted down the ex-Hogwarts Professor Quirrell.

Exasperated, Voldemort took off his flowery apron and shouted back,"Coming Quirrell, just give me a moment to wash my hands..."

"I dont care if you have to wash your hands you great sissy! Just get up here and squeeze this thing! I have never seen such a large zit in my life!" Quirrell was hysterical.

Voldemort, who was extremely upset due to the fact that he had to halt the creation of his apple pie trudged upstairs. "I'm here... now wheres that zit?"

'On my back! ON MY BACK!" Quirrell squealed,"WHY TODAY OF ALL DAYS! I WAS GOING TO THE SPA!" He broke down into sobs.

Sighing voldemort walked over and whipped out his wand, "Here, let me handle that..." He twitched his wand and green light shot out, missing Quirrells zit and bouncing off the mirror.

"Oh shit..." Voldemort thought as he buried his face in his hands, the sounds of the spell bouncing off the mirrors until it hit the flower in the vase.

"Thats it Voldy! Get out! Its over!" Quirrell shrieked as he tried to apply his guy-liner.

'Its been over! And wait a minute... this is _my_ house!" Voldemort retorted.

"No its not! Im sueing for this home and our cats Maraka and Mittens!" Quirrell yelled.

"You cant do that! Your dead! Legally..."

"So what I still go to the spa!" Quirrell whined

"Speaking of which I have a nail salon appointment with Mildred! And by the time I get back here I want you and all of this garbage to be gone!" Voldy shouted drastically

"You wouldnt!" Quirrell gasped, trying to adjust his turban,"Put me out on the streets like that! You are not the man I married! Or got into a serious relationship with..."

"Oh yes I would! Now get out and pack your bags!"

"You ignorant Ke$ha lover!" Quirrell screamed as Voldemort slammed his door on his face.

Quirrell began to cry and then he broke out into song...

"You're on the phone with your boyfriend, He's upset  
He's going off about someone that you killed because  
He doesnt get your humour like I dont

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night  
I'm listening to the kind of music he doesnt like  
And he'll never know your story like I dont

But he wears short skirts, I wear cami's  
He's Headmaster and I'm 'posed to be dead  
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find  
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who doesnt understand you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me

Walkin the streets you on the back of my head  
I cant help thinking how awkward that this seems  
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself  
Hey isnt this queasy?

And you've got a smile that could blow up this whole town  
I havent seen it in awhile, since Harry brought you down  
You say your evil I know you better than that  
Hey, Whatcha doing with a boy like that?

He wears high heels, I wear designer sneakers  
He's Headmaster and I'm 'posed to be dead  
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find  
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your favorite spas door  
All this time how could you not know that?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night  
I'm the one who makes you barf when you know you're about to die

I know your favorite songs (Ke$ha) and you dont tell me about your dreams  
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who doesnt understand you?  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door  
All this time how could you not see that  
You belong with me  
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe  
You belong with me  
You belong with me...

Tears came to Quirrells eyes as he watched Voldemort walk out of the room...

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**Well whataya think? Reviews please because we need encouragement to continue! We have a lot more ideas!**


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